The Evil Woman has Potatoes
by DemonicPiano
Summary: Not all fairytales have to end with an awesome knight in shining armor taking a princess home.


Once upon a time, in an unnamed nation's countryside, lain a lonesome knight in the sweet grass. The sun shone brightly, birds called their songs, and the wind blew teasingly through his silvery hair and the leaves of the tree he nestled beside. It would indeed be dubbed an 'awesome' day by he.

A small yellow chick flew ontop of the man's head and chirped in alarm. He raised a hand to swish it away, but it pecked at his fingers. He grunted and lazily opened one eye. The grass swished loudly, as if angry to be disturbed. His other eye flew open and he leaped up. The knight found himself standing before a smaller woman ordained in clothes far to classy for one who would roam rural lands.

"Sorry to disturb you, sir!" She pinched the top part of her dress skirt and bowed. "I beg of your help."

"I was relaxing."

Panic flared in her eyes. The crown on her head tipped to the side and she quickly pushed it in place. "I would have sent someone sooner, but there were no other people available to retrieve you!"

The man tilted his head. "Is that why someone from the palace is in the farmlands? What happened to all your bodyguards?"

"That's what you need to find out! I suspect the evil woman has erradicated them all! Worse yet, she has kidnapped my underling! Please, you have to investigate!"

"Well...it's been a while since I went out on a quest..." he thought uncertainly.

"She might have locked them in a cold room and fed them horrible food! Please, you must help! You will be well rewarded!"

"If it's gold you are talking about," he smirked.

"Yes, in a way."

"In a way?"

"You can have more gold then you ever imagined _if_ you marry my charge."

The knight's eyes widened. "Only if I marry...?" It seemed silly to ask of help and then offer conditional payment. For years he had wandered around, seeking odd jobs and building a fine reputation for himself with no one holding him down. The thought of a wife was rather overbearing, disgusting even. Yet the thought of coming home to a family and a warm, home-cooked meal filling his belly grew more appealing as he chewed it over.

"I swear on my position, your doubts will be washed away once you lay eyes upon them! It will be well worth it!"

The man grinned. "I suppose I could check things out. Who knows, once this underling of yours sees how awesome I am as I take care of this 'evil woman', I won't even have to ask for her hand in marriage."

The lady sighed in relief and a grin stretched across her face. "Thank you so much sir! This means so much to me!"

"Save it for when I come back triumphantly," he winked. "Say, what was your name?"

Her eyes exposed her amusement. "Maria."

"Let me down now. Hey!" He barked at hundreds of little yellow birds carrying him. They dispersed, and he yelled out in suprise, hitting the cobblestone ground with a loud _oof._ He groaned and shakily sat up, surveying the rugged land. A shiver ran through him as the moutain air chilled his clothing. He rose to his feet and shook off any stings and scrapes while he walked around a tall pile of rocks. The moutain was leveled off at the top, but was completely empty except for some boulders and a large bright looking castle. The yellow contrasted the dull surroundings, making it quite an eye sore.

"Psh, what a pathetic shack," the knight scoffed, kicking up clouds of dust.

The front doors flew open as if the words triggered them. "Who are you? Why have you come all this way? Are you from the queen's palace?" A woman with a long green dress and apron marched towards him from the opening.

The man thought she was rather attractive, but that soon changed when she pulled something shiny out of a rather inappropriate place. Cold metal smashed into his face and he fell to the ground, grabbing his cheek.

"What the hell? That is no way to treat your savior! " He glared at her. "I was going to get you away from this ugly place!"

"This is _my_ ugly place! I am not taking visitors!"

" _Ja_ , no wonder. An unpleasant shelter for an unpleasant woman!"

She raised her arms to pound the skillet she wielded into his skull, but the man scrambled out of the way just in time. "You were sent here to take my precious from me, aren't you! That prissy woman sent you!"

"How'd you know? Woah!" He ducked from another swing. "If you're not the one I need to save, then you're the one that I need to stop! I'm getting that trapped babe from that castle and you're gonna have to deal with it!"

"You can't have Roddy! _He's mine!"_ The woman's voice dropped to a wicked snarl.

"Wait, did you just say-GAH!" Harsh wind whipped him, threatening to push the knight over. He squinted at the evil lady. Her shape blurred and grew. He gasped, scrambling out of the way from a long claw that swung at him. A large, scaly sand-colored dragon replaced the rather beautiful woman. "Showing your true colors, now, huh?" He called out.

The creature roared, spinning around to throw it's thick tail at the knight. He flipped backwards and let out a few chuckles. What a tale he would go back with! Perhaps hopefully a lovely woman as well, one that wasn't trying to snap at him with razor sharp teeth.

He drew his sword and sliced at its muzzle, and several drops of strange, solid blood clattered to the ground. It growled and stood on its hind legs only to bring all its weight down. The rocks underneath him cracked and flew up, turning him into a projectile. The man cried out and fell to the ground a few feet away. The wind was knocked out of him and he had no time to recover, for the monster was upon him. He yelled again, grabbing for his sword when the last thing he saw from the corner of his eye was a mouth full of fangs before being swept down the creature's throat.

The knight felt his insides jostle as he became airborne, smacking against the throatly walls of the creature and splashing into its stomach contents. A powerful smell wafted from the brown liquid. He curled his nose. "Coffee?! This is getting weirder."

The caffinated drink sloshed around when it sounded like the dragon was chortling with laugher. Some of it splattered across his face and he spat the luke warm beverage from his mouth in disgust.

"Really funny! My sides are about to burst in here!" He hollered, hoping the thing would hear. "Wait a minute...that gives me an awesome idea!" He treaded the coffee and placed a hand against the creature's insides. He shuddered when he touched the slimy wall and drew his sword. The knight brandished it around with a grin before driving the blade into the walls of its stomach. He tore a hole open, and he was swept out of the belly as the liquid poured out. The dragon let out a terrible screech, and the man flinched as he smacked the ground and recoiled as his ears popped. He looked up and saw the dragon wobble unsteadily, feebily grasping at the tear in its side.

The knight scrambled up to slice at it once more, and it bled skittles! Skittles bounced everywhere. He spun around in an attempt to not get squished by the falling monster. He slipped on the candy as it collasped to the ground with a great groan. The man found stable ground and turned around to admire his handy work as he sheathed his weapon. He jumped a little when its shape blurred and shrunk, but it did not morph back into the woman like he expected. Instead, it shrunk even more and lost its shape, eventually withering into a potato.

He stared at it for a few moments, taking in what he just witnessed. He crept up to the spud, skittering on the skittles in the meantime.

"I suppose my little _bruder_ likes potatoes," he noted, sweeping it up and tossing it in the air a few times.

The door must have closed with the draft, and it creaked open once more. The knight clutched onto the vegetable and grabbed for the hilt of this sword. A handsome face behind glasses popped out of the enterance and surveyed the landscape.

"All that noise!" The newcomer slid out of the castle, as if every movement would be his last. "You must have slain the evil woman who held me prisoner. Well, I wouldn't consider it being imprisoned, but that's what everyone else said before they were eaten."

The knight wondered if all beautiful people came from the mountains. He shook his head, realizing the underling was this man. "You...you're Maria's vassal I needed to save?"

The other man looked taken back. He quickly glanced up and down at the knight's rugged outlook. "You know Miss Theresa? She sent you?"

" _Ja,_ that's right! I'm the one that slain that evil lady! You should have seen it! I was awesome!" The warrior let out peels of strange hissing laughter.

"I have noted that earlier," the elegant man muttered, and sighed, looking away.. "I suppose you want something in return before I can go back home. Unless the missus took care of it?"

The knight clamped his mouth shut, suddenly feeling awkward. "Um, _ja,_ she told me I could have some gold."

"Sounds reasonable."

"Conditionally, of course," he coughed.

The brunette man seemed suprised at this. "How so?"

The knight puffed out his chest, shaking off insecurities. "I will marry you!"

"What? Of all things-"

"It wasn't a question!"

"Absolutely not! I barely know you-"

"It wasn't my idea, and you weren't exactly what I had in mind either when the phrase 'dansiel in distress' pops up!"

"You just want the gold that comes with the proposal!"

"I want a wife, too!"

"Have you not realized I am a man?"

"Can you cook?"

"Well, yes, but I do not see how that-"

"And you're pretty, too! Let's get hitched!" The man still sputtered and shook his head, so the knight added, "No homo."

He stopped his antics and began to look thoughtful. "I would need to speak to her about this...but since you said 'No homo', then I supposed I would have to say yes."

"Really?!" The warrior squeaked then cleared his throat, speaking in an overly deep voice. "Of course, I mean who could resist? I'm awesome!"

The man rolled his eyes. "Do you have a steed, or did you come here all the way on foot?"

"I may be persistant, but I can't have my damsiel having sore feet, can I?" He snickered and loudly whistled. Then hundreds of little yellow birds emerged from the moutain side where they lain in wait for their master's call.

His compainion gasped and took a step back, but the chicks had descended on both of them. He let out a high cry of suprise as he felt himself being swept into the air by many small bodies. He reached out and grabbed onto the knight's sleeve for reassurance.

"Epic, isn't it? Look at the view!" He pointed. The man risked a peek down below and saw the whole kingdom, the farm lands, the citizen's houses, and the palace towering over the farmlands. Even the walls protecting the place seemed small.

"Is it...is it always like this?"

"When you're with me, then yes," the albino grinned.

The man gave a small smile and turned his violet gaze to the clouds. They flew past the castle in favor of going off into the sunset while it was still in the sky, and lived happily ever after.


End file.
